I am wrapping up the vancouver portion of 2012 in a bit of a fog … thanks to the cold virus my stepson felt obliged to share with me. I am stubbornly planning to exorcise all invading noxious forces from my system tonight. I refuse to succumb. I don’t have the time or desire to be sick. I’m heading to the east coast in 14 hours … where life is simpler and time moves very slow. I will be cared for and will be free of obligations for 11 days. I can hardly wait.
I spent the lunch hour with SLC and her visiting big sis at East is East where I consumed yummy peas and cheese with brown lentil rice, delicious chai tea (half black half almond milk), and a rumi quote that stabbed me in the heart … see photo below. The phrase that I am now convinced rumi wrote for me is the “lover of leaving”. I am a lover of leaving. I love new beginnings. I get bored and restless when things stay the same for too long. Is this a character defect or something to embrace? I honestly don’t know. I feel as though I have broken my vow a thousand times … in order to honour that part of myself that is on a constant quest for something new. If I believe rumi, it doesn’t matter. Love is still mine to discover.
I left the restaurant feeling a bit unsettled about the whole thing. Rumi’s verse kept bouncing around inside my head. Why didn’t the guy just come out and say what he meant?!? Ever???! I remained frustrated with rumi’s ambiguity until SLC came to my rescue by sending me my horoscope … something so unusual that I figured I should pay attention to the message. Although capricorn and I don’t usually synch up in a cosmic way, this horoscope seemed like it was put out in the universe just for me. According to Rose Marcus and the Georgia Straight, “Thursday’s winter solstice marks a personal set-yourself-free, get-on-with-it chapter” and that “unresolved emotions remain, but that you can no longer allow yourself to be burdened by them.” Less subtle than rumi, right?
Apparently I need to truly let go and be prepared to feel the VOID that is waiting to descend on me in a monumental way on christmas day (sounds like fun … can’t wait … bet you’re all jealous about that one). But … what exactly am I letting go? Knowing me … it has to do with relationships. I can’t quite piece this one together. What relationship do I need to abandon? Which is keeping me stuck?
Is it Cory? Is that why he emailed me today out of the blue to tell me how much he missed me? Is it “he who shall remain nameless” (for now)? Is that why texted me today to tell me he was thinking about me? Each of these relationships brings a weightiness to my day. Are these the burdens that I need to let go? I thought I had let go of one. The other? We’ll see.
Is it Myles? I’ve sent him out in the world for the holiday season to be with crazy people who can’t seem to stick to any kind of plan. I’m worried about him.
Hmmm … all I can say is that I am ready to leave. For a few days. To get perspective.
signed – me … the lover of leaving
cast of characters
cory (the ex) – fell in love in the spring of 2002, went our separate ways in the spring of 2012
he who shall remain nameless (no pants) – tattooed occupant of room 708 and lover of mittens
myles (bub) – the creative / funny / smart 17-year-old who lives with me, my stepson
sherri (SLC) – my musical soul mate who shares with me a love of vampires and the absurd