I am currently being haunted by feelings of frustration and restlessness and boredom and loneliness. They circle me in my sleep and follow me through my day. They are relentless. They have me unsettled. They creep into my life when I am not on solid ground so … I am completely vulnerable right now. Completely exposed. Completely cracked open. I am trapped in the in-between and I fucking hate this place. I am in limbo … that place where old things haven’t quite ended and new things haven’t quite begun.
I am in between sickness and health. Pneumonia and a severe reaction to the antibiotics that were supposed to heal me have left me depleted. I feel a lot better but I’m not yet at 100%. My energy is still low and the poison medication hasn’t completely left my system.
I am in between work and play. I have 2 busy weeks left at work and then I’ll be off for 5. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve been off for more than a couple of weeks and it’s making me both anxious and excited. I’m taking an intensive yoga teacher training course and then rolling into a vacation. My head is in both places … so much left to do but already looking forward to the adventure ahead.
I am in between being in a relationship and being single. GSB and I have hit the wall. Maintaining a long-distance romance (even one with huge love and deep connection) has proven to be too difficult. We haven’t given up entirely, but we’ve had to admit that time and distance is currently winning the battle. Because our connection has been so incredible, we aren’t willing to let it go completely. We are still in touch regularly. The tone has changed, but it’s enough to keep us both hooked. We will see each other in 6 weeks and then decide what will happen next. In the meantime … we aren’t what we were and aren’t what we want to be.
I’m in between my two favourite cities. I’ve been exploring the idea of returning to my hometown for at least a few months … to see how that would feel … to be closer to my family … to give things with GSB a real shot. However, I can’t make that happen until I find a job there. Thoughts about that move are never very far from the front of my mind. It’s a big change but I’m ready to give it a try. Now I have to wait for things to come together. That could happen tomorrow or it could take months.
I am in between seasons. It’s June. That means it should be summer. But … the skies are grey and the temperatures are cool. Spring hasn’t yet released us from it’s cold, wet, dismal tentacles. In the time that I have been writing this post we’ve had torrential rain, grey skies, thunder, and glimmers of blue sky with sunshine. No wonder my mood is so volatile.
So … how do I do this? How do I relax into this place? The only thing I can think of is to focus on the things I can realistically control and try and let go of the rest. I can try to create a tiny bit of solid ground while the rest swirls and shifts. I guess that means doing the things I know will speed my recovery (easing back into exercise, eating well, consuming large doses of probiotics), concentrating on work so I can step away from my job with a clear conscience knowing that I’ve wrapped up as much as possible, and continuing to take steps towards securing a job in St John’s. As for me and GSB … I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready to give up yet … not when we are just 6 weeks away from seeing each other … I think we’ve come too far to throw in the towel just yet. So I guess we’ll just carry on uncomfortably inhabiting the in-between on that one.
If any of you out there have ideas on how to claim citizenship in the Land of Limbo … please let me know.
In the meantime … I will be listening to “Massive Attack” by Paradise Circus.