I just noticed that I still miss you. And it was that … a noticing. I didn’t call you consciously to my thoughts. An awareness of you was suddenly just there. Probably triggered by a very specific combination of events that led me down the path of synaptic connections that leads to you … forever to you … in that corner of my brain that will always be your home. This morning’s playlist, the brilliant november sunshine hitting my skin as I walked through the streets of my neighbourhood, the smell of freshly brewed coffee, kisses from a wriggling french bulldog puppy who acted like he’d been waiting his whole life to see me, california daydreaming. A 5-minute chain of seemingly random (unlinked) events that somehow brought me to you.
I don’t want to miss you anymore but I guess I do. I no longer miss you with a consuming sadness or in a soul shattering heart collapsing kind of way. In fact … it’s not even really sadness. It’s more of an acknowledgement that something that was once (vibrantly ever-) present is now gone. I imagine it is an experience not entirely unlike an emotional version of phantom limb syndrome. Like phantom limb syndrome, my thoughts of you often originate in the nervous system rather than in the brain. The sensation triggers the thoughts (awareness) and not the other way around. “Missing you” is probably not even the right way to describe it because it is hard to disconnect that phrase from the milieu of sadness, loneliness, pain, heartache. My missing you has become much more neutral than that. It really is a noticing that you are gone which still makes me pause. It still confuses me and I do have to remind myself it’s true. We are journeying separately now. It’s okay. It’s good.
BTW … for clarity … the “you” above actually applies to more than one person and even to a dog named sidney. ❤