The things. The people. The smiles. Real and otherwise. I’m sorry I’ve been so confused lately. And so frustrated and so distracted. I feel like I’m being chased by rabid foxes all the time. They snarl in my ears when nobody is around. They slash at my skin with their jagged and razor sharp teeth. They leave fresh bruises and cuts every day … just little ones. Nothing spectacularly black and blue … nothing that runs with bright red blood … nothing that makes people understand the gravity and relentlessness of the battle. Nothing that makes people want to call 911 or set up a defensive perimeter around me. But. The truth is. I’m in constant fight or flight mode and I’m almost spent. Edges.
Just be yourself. Yourself but not too yourself. You know? Just a little less yourself. Not that much. Don’t make people uncomfortable.
Yeah. I understand. The sunshine. The ocean. The beaches, bicycles, and handstands. The music and road trips. The coffee, tattoos, art, and beautiful words. The pitbulls (especially the one with the golden eyes and giant heart who settled me like no other creature could … I miss him every single day). It’s all a bit too much right? It doesn’t show the other side. The 55 hour work week, the second job to make ends meet, the step-parenting worries, the routine day to day adult experiences. Trying to motivate others and stay motivated myself. The dirty dishes in the sink, the 8 million traffic lights, the chips and $5 wine for dinner. The effort it takes to summon up all that blue, gold, and glitter. The effort it takes to keep smiling. Edges.
Try not smiling this time. I don’t know. Happy but not that happy. It makes people insecure and irritated when you are that happy. It makes them sad. A little less happy. But don’t brood. Don’t complain. That would be even more irritating. Try somewhere in the middle.
Making people insecure is the last thing I want to do. I know I’m irritating people right now. I know I’m hurting people. My head is so full that words just spill out of my mouth to make room for more swirling thoughts. I’m being careless. I’m creating wounds in the people I care about the most. Maybe even wounds that can’t be healed. I’m fighting when I don’t need to fight. I know my eyes are flashing constantly and my voice is hollow and cold. Edges.
You know we love you.
I know. I love you too. Edges.
You can’t always have what you want. That’s not how life works.
But why not? I sincerely don’t understand. We only get one shot. Why wouldn’t we try to make life as beautiful as we possibly can? Take chances. See what exits just outside the lines. Maybe we’ll find our next favourite thing. Besides. What I want is pretty simple. Edges.
Settle down. Let’s just drop it.
I’m trying to. I really am. But I honestly don’t know how to let some of it go. I will try harder. For my own sanity and because I truly want to stop fighting with you. I want you to understand me. Or at least accept me. See inside me and notice the shape of my heart and how much space it takes up in my body. Sometimes I worry that it’s going to spill right through my rib cage and drip big gooey puddles onto the earth. Edges.
We’re just worried about you.
I know but I’m okay. Honestly. I know you sense my wildness and worry that the gypsy in me will take over. I know my decisions scare you sometimes but really … I will be fine. I promise. I’m struggling a bit right now. Trying to find my way with it all. And maybe it is the gypsy in me. Maybe it’s just spring and the restlessness I feel at this time every year. But I’ll figure it out. Things are recalibrating. They will settle soon. You don’t need to worry. Edge.