“Sometimes transformation is simply taking the best parts of you and giving them more room in your life.” (yung pueblo)
In my 20s and 30s – I was discovering and deciding who I wanted to be in this world – in this life. There was a lot of “adding to” – adding knowledge, adding skills, adding experiences, adding relationships, adding wins (and losses), adding resources. I moved fast and frenetically – voraciously looking for things to absorb and attempt. It was an era of accumulation and of trying things on to see what fit and what was comfortable – to see what gave me those electrically charged glimmers of excitement.
As I entered my 40s – the assignment began to shift. While I was still on the look out for those glimmers (you know I love a good glimmer) – I was also starting to pay attention to the things in my life that did not sparkle and shine – things that felt heavy and restrictive, things that made me uncomfortable, things I was doing because some deep primordial part of my brain was telling me I “should” be doing them. I starting culling and stepping away from the people, places and things that didn’t align with my values and with the contributions I wanted to make. Although I tried to approach this exercise with gentleness – there were definitely times that the suddenly overwhelming desperation to be free made my movements more jagged and lacerating than I would have liked. Certain relationships ended and certain behaviours came to an abrupt halt (which made lots of people uncomfortable). I moved to a new home, I changed jobs, I got a divorce. I even paid more attention to my outward appearance – I got new clothes and started getting tattoos. At the age of 43 – I was in a pretty iconic flow state – I was truly happier than I had ever been. I felt light and energized and grateful. I felt like my veins were full of pure sunshine. I felt focused and pure and confident and powerful.
However … we live in this world at a time when that kind of vibe is hard to sustain. We are constantly being pushed to do more, to try harder, to keep climbing, to buy that newer bigger brighter faster thing.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for ambition and I value hard work. Where it falls apart for me is when my actions lack clear intention – when I get caught up in doing for the sake of doing. Striving. Conquering. Accomplishing. At a certain point – it becomes a marathon run on a treadmill and takes all your time and energy and focus without ever leading to a defined end point. You jack up the incline, you pick up your speed, you extend the time of your session. Over and over and over again. Until you just can’t.
I seem to have found myself on that treadmill once more and am disturbingly far from that flow state I had achieved less than 10 years ago. I feel heavy again. I feel confused because I don’t know where to direct my time, energy and focus. I am busier than I have ever been but have lost sight of what is most important – it ALL feels important but I know in my heart that’s not true. I know I need to break this pattern and reset. I need to shed some layers and trim the (irrelevant and often damaging) excess. Yet again.
I decided to take a vacation to kickstart the process and am writing this from my hotel room in Honolulu. I came here for a week on my own to dive into things that make me feel happy and strong – things that make me feel myself. Exercise, creativity, visiting the ocean, sunshine, listening to the best music. Going without schedules and deadlines. Letting my natural gypsy spirit take over for a few days. Finding transformation (young pueblo style) by taking the best parts of me and giving them more room in my life. Despite my hopes of letting some of that treadmill energy dissipate, I’ve spent most of the week doing. Just doing. Some of it has been fulfilling doing – exercising, spending time in the beautiful sunshine, ocean swimming, taking long walks, reading – but much of it has been “check the box” doing. I’ve really struggled to just be. To keep my eyes lifted and truly see everything that’s around me. Even now – as I write this – my brain is sending me messages like –
What the fuck Baker! Are you really going to spend your last day sitting in the hotel on your computer typing words that nobody will ever need or want to read.
Weren’t you going to rent a surf board? You’re almost out of time!
Aren’t you going to work out today?
Sounds like work has been a shit show while you were away. Taking that much time off was obviously a mistake and look at you! You’re still pretty much as wired as you were when you left! So nicely done.
I knew this little break wouldn’t be some sort of single magical event that brought my life back into focus, but I had hoped to have thawed out a bit more than I have. I am still wound so tight and am still so vulnerable to the forces that drive me to keep pushing for the sake of pushing – to program, to achieve, to accomplish but – I have had time to think and to notice things. I also feel a bit stronger and a bit healthier. A bit less exhausted. A bit more myself. It’s going to be a journey still but I feel ready to take a few steps in what I think will be a good direction.
gofasterrabbit 